It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
