my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
