there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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