where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
