I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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