Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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