dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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