I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
