yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
