Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
