You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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