saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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