do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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