dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
