Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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