I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
