can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
