Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
