You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
