Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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