i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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