God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
