You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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