its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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