Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
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Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
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My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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