I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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