I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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