i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
