Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
