Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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