I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
