Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
