Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
