finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
