Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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