So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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