My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So much rum. So many feels.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
