twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
