I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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