she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
