Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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