Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I need a burrito and a hug.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
