Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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