apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
