He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
