just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
