You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
