Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Randomize
