He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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