Slut skills are useful in every country.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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