I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
