WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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