Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
