I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Non-Jews are for practice
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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