spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
