Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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