Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
