I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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