I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
